Empyre

end of may

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 05:52:08 GMT

so like heres whats happening now......

i been working a lot at a job that sucks but im making a lot of money. hopefully.....they pay me 8 dollars an hour and im full time so im thinking around 1200 a month before taxes......so really about 1050-1100......

since tomorrow is my first pay check....i dont really have any money.

all my money sort of got drained away.......familys suck

but whats really getting me is paying the left over rent i have in tucson....
i made a promise to ferm that i would pay the rent if they couldnt find another roommate. but i think they havent even been trying to find someone. so i would feel bad if i had to stiff ferm on this one, but i starting to see the other side a lot clearer right now. when i left, i was accused of stealing some merchandise from some of my roommates that i use to live with. but instead of confronting me about it, they just assume i took and starting telling EVERYONE that i stole from them. hmm......still.....no one talks to me about this.......i say some things..........they try to turn it into something thats its not.........and then, the sissy ass faggot.......threatens to fight me......or jump me in a park.....one of them. all i even said on smashboards was that i didnt steal there stuff.........and then he says".....awww......were not going to believe you......were just going to keep saying it was you.........and have EVERYONE hate you." damn......sorry but fuck you guys. pay your own fucking rent

ROFL

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 07:26:08 GMT

well......lots of talk over the internet....funny......

all your going to do is make me care less about all this.........

dont talk big unless your ready to back it up........

i dont make threats....so

ill see you again......dont worry

finally

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 08:26:18 GMT

i think its almost over.....
both sides are fighting hard.
i wonder...who will win
will it be me...or the advasary

oh well...i dont want to win. its like i could fucking careless anymore.

IF THIS IS THE WAY LIFE IS
then fuck ill take advantage. life is too short...to watch out for everyone else.. you seee.............

times short. people are funny. abby

where does the road go, does it make it, can i look back and see the whole picture. that would be cool actually. i want to see my life as well as others who where around me at the time. see where they go...what kind of life after my short intermission. who are they. are they real...do they just stop after im done. making this little game work.

thats when it killed it..

...

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 07:33:40 GMT

wait......is this really for real..........can i see the other side...no

dont think about that
dont think about who going to look at those dots.

i dont care what they think
really
do you
but you do
cause your listening.........why..........

what do you have so say

that doesnt account to that
who are you
whats your life...
who are you really........

there it is

when i need to explain something, i cant fully recreate it......i i see it...........i just cant say it.
cause......its the experince that i feared the most...i watch it......but i cant do nothing about it....it just goes.

and goes.

and goes.

why cant i stop it.

have drugs stopped it?

i dont think so..maybe

they showed me something

heres your life, sorry
you cant change anything that you do, but you can watch...
so you will know whats really going on, in case you havent noticed it yet....

now what do you have to say about it.......

well, after doing lots of drugs. i think i can see it fully now.
its like, to function without another soul around. is hard. well. i think about the other souls when im not doing anything in relation to them. but somehow i think of ways i am...and then sometimes exaaggerations of whats really going on. i think so far into everything that i cant stay up with whats really going on. so i spend all my time doing it. but its like living two different lives. cause i have to maintian the present..which is the tricky part. but sometimes i lose track of one of them.

there it is....is that it tho.....did the other side tell me to type that......cause i had a hard time finishing it...i was taken over by the other half......if even for 15 seconds......but it was hard.....that maybe thats the normal way.........cause its so hard to stop...i get sidetracked....i go back.....there it was again.....you know you did it in the middle of this sentence...........what do i do now....i cant.......its hard just to focus.okay here it goes. wait...no.........wait........fuck its so hard to get it.........no......why cant ther you go...no you lost it.....no no.no no no no non osdasadgfhaksj fuck.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 07:00:38 GMT

i think im going to play halo now. i need a good competitive game in my life......so why not halo. i use to be really good at goldeneye 64, and perfect dark..........so maybe first person shooters are more of my game then fighting games. im going to try and borrow seans x box till i get enough money to get my own. they shouldnt be too expensive.......since the xbox 360 is out. i seem to know lots of people who play, so after some practice with the controls i should have competition all the time.

maybe in a year or so.......ill place high at mlg......oh yeah..........lots more girl halo players then smash................

anyways...........vanessa if you have mike berrys number you should tell him to get into contact with me...........

man, its been a while

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 19:26:42 GMT

i think its been a long time since i updated this thing. i cant seem to find the purpose to get up everyday. i hate this boring meaningless life. i feel im losing my life one day at a time and i dont know what to do about it. i want to move soo bad, but i dont know if i could leave courtney. she seems to look past everything stupid i do. i feel like this ghost ive been walking around as has finally woke up. my last clear thought was back in high school before i was a sophmore. its like.....i knew what i wanted to do, i had everything all planned out. my life seemed soo easy and the path i was going to take was there. but something happened and i woke up one day confused. i didnt have the slightest idea what was going on. so i just aimlessly followed my last plan, as close as i could at least. now im finally breaking out of that dead shell of my former self. i really do feel like Levi Cunningham died July 4 1999. i can remember so clearly going under the water and watching the surface going black. i let the darkness consume me. then what seemed like years after wards i opened my eyes and i was on the side of the river.

2005

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 07:15:47 GMT

2005 is almost done.............only one more day to go.........whats going to happen today..........whats going to happen tomorrow

one think i know for sure is that i cant wait till 2005 ends.

this whole year has been soo fucked up..........i cant even begin to describe how it all went wrong......

protip-----dont let a game take over your life

protip-----dont leave kids home alone at nite

protip-----dont date church goers

protip-----dont try to date girls who play games

protip-----dont date two different girls at the same time

protip-----never work at movie theaters

protip-----never let people move in with you

protip-----driving sucks

protip-----stealing is bad

protip-----meth heads dont make good friends

protip-----girls are evil

protip-----kittens are cute.....but cats suck

protip-----always have clean underwear

protip-----never fall in love

hopefully 2006 will be better

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 04:54:19 GMT

maybe now that im not all emo about life...........i can really post it up

i do feel like my sanity is slowly going away........ive been talking to jason about this......and well....he says he has the same problems......maybe its true.......i have a hard time sleeping at all......its like...i cant wake up ever..........when im dreaming.......it starts off real fucked up......then i wake up.......but i really dont........i walk out of my room and im back into that fucked up other dream.......and it just keeps going and going...............and it gets worse and worse.......so when i do wake up....im scared to walk out of my room in fear that my dream will continue.........i wonder if one nite i just wont wake up....if ill just keep going in this loop while my body in real life gets taken away to some kind of mental hospital........

during the day.....i have this extreme paranioa.........that somethings going to happen.....that somethings about to go wrong.........and i just cant shake that feeling..........its with me from the moment i wake up till the second i go to sleep.......then i dream really crazy dreams........at first i thought it was all the marijuana ive been smoking but.....i dont really think thats the case....ive been clean for about a week now......and its still there...........

i also have this problem where i get really confused...........ill be at work, at home, or watching a movie......and suddenly i dont know what the fucks going on......i forget how i get places..........and what im doing..........about three minutes after i lose myself i remember everything.....but its sooo scary......sometimes i wonder if it will ever pass.......if ill ever rememeber..........now this problem has been slowly coming on to me over the last couple of months.......now i dont know if its the marijuana, so ive stopped smoking for the time being............but its just gets worse and worse...............its like this extreme struggle for my sanity................and im losing.....every day i give up crucial ground..........an inch or two will slowly build up.........but when i do just give in......i dont feel so bad......maybe i should just let this change take hold of me........maybe........if i do.......ill know what im really suppose to do............

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 09:07:51 GMT

man.......fuck life..............

i just want to get away
its the same shit every day
no more lies
no more deciet....

im fucking through with this shit.....................it makes me so fucking sick............

how i can live..................when theres no more of my life to give.................

i just hate the way things are going right now..............nothings fun anymore.........i hate smoking weed.............theres always someone out there smoking better stuff then my dirt weed....................smash.........................same old shit.......................im good.............at least i think i am...........but wait.......no your not...............i know it........im the fucking joke that gets passed around.........the one who really has no fucking clue whats going on.............but wait............i do................i play dumb..............but i really know..................i see everything.......i hear everything...................and i never forget anything.................

i wonder if courtney really loves me.....................

you have two options....................the option you get.......................is the bad one...........the option everyone else gets is the right one...........................

you have an arguement.....................you lose..............cause no matter what.........your wrong...........nothing you ever say is right...........or should ever be considered ......cause well..............your you.........and were better................no matter what.............

why the fuck do things have to be like this..............

am i really the crazy one.........do i really not see whats happening...............i seriously think somethings wrong with me.................like................the buidling blocks of my life..............are just fucked up.........some of the foundation bricks were just fucked........either they were all fucking warped........or just missing...............and now........at the top layers......things are just going everywhich way.................not making any pattern that fits a normal human being................so when other people are around me.........i wonder if they really have to balls to walk up to me and say............."boy your really fucked up"...................

im going to go make some nachos..................and enjoy my self.......................but before i go............

FUCK YOU.............fuck everything you ever did.............fuck everything you ever said to me.................dont fucking talk to me....................all of you

wow

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 19:37:54 GMT

the mid november update..........lets see.......

harry potter was cool.......probably one of the best movies ive seen in a while.............but being there was strange........kelli was really nice to me.........but pat was like.......i should slap you for that..........dont you know your were going to move up...........like fast...........faster then anyone else here..........and i was like............in my head..........do i really want to be a manager at a movie theather......i can never spell that word.........some one needs to teach me how to spell........

winslow in a few days...................sort of scared..........im going to buy jason lots of alcohol.........and i get to hang out with rob..............and play guitar........so it should be cool.......hopefully...........

the nogales kids were so cool.........there was this one kid...........rafa........he was too fucking cool.................i hope we all hang out again sometime...............but yeah..................november

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 08:35:34 GMT

well.......times are strange

ive been having these weird dreams lately about my ex-girlfriend............its been a while since i last talked to her........

we were on our way to a tourny in california....the legend of smash.......i actually went two and out in both the singles and teams........ferm took us to mexico..........and i stole an a&w mug...............we stopped to watch the football game.......and i sort of knew i would see her.......i casually talked to her......but it was weird seeing her again

then next thing you know........she emails me telling me how she misses me and how she wants to start talking to me again..........now this is strange.......when we broke up i thought i would never talk to her again......she really really really hated me..........but now...its like wtf......should i talk to her again...or should i be like.....fuck you...............see now it sucks.......cause i sent her an email back with the normal small talk..........but im sort of camping the computer now to get one back from her..........wtf.................i know when i go back to winslow.......there stands a 95% chance of seeing her again.................i dont know........what would i do.......

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 09:44:59 GMT

tonite i had a really good nite at work......i think i pulled in around 100 dollars off of tips alone..........which is too good.....considering i only get about 60 on a normal day...............every run was easy......no one gave me shit........and i got to see all the college sluts in halloween costumes...............

life is good

smash

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 21:34:55 GMT

its not like i hate the game.......i really do like playing.....its just i cant take it as a game anymore........its past the point in my mind where it is a game..........its a competetion.........its been a competetion since the first time i attended a tourny.......now theres nothing you can do or say thats going to make me think differently about this game.................but heres how it is........

all my life ive been competing against something.........somewhere................and the more i lost the more i was punished...............so when i am losing.....even it if is just at practice or just for fun i get really mad at myself..........i start to hate myself more and more.............till i cant stand to play the game anymore........i figure if i stop playing the game then i wont have to worry about the punishment..............but thats just not true..........it haunts me everywhere...........im afraid to lose.........cause i dont want to hurt anymore...................fuck.............

so dont take it personally when i have to leave the room after playing smash for a while.......im not mad at you or anyone else that im playing.......im just mad at myself.................for being this stupid about a fucking video game that we are suppose to be playing for fun.......................i just need time to get away.........to realize that it doesnt matter...........but its too hard...........i cant do it sometimes...........that why i like to play extremely high.........cause then i dont care.......and i actually have fun at the game...............but oh well........who knows...........sorry............<3

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:39:47 GMT

I, nA, L, I
You scored 75 Introversion, 37 Attachment, 54 Logic, and 58 Intellect!

You are:

Introverted.
NOT attached.
Logical.
Intellectual.
What do we have here. You know, you're a rare sort. Quiet, solitary yet
devoted to learning and understanding the world around you. You're
independent. You trust your judgement and can stick to it if you feel
it's best. Society has little affect on you. If you have determination
and intelligence, you will achieve great things. So get in there my
son. I would love to meet you.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 87% on Introversion
You scored higher than 30% on Attachment
You scored higher than 52% on Logic
You scored higher than 20% on Intellect

Link: The Who Are You? Test written by Schizothyme on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

lolz chuckie

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 22:40:58 GMT

guitar is crazy......ferms actually playing drums now..............well sort of.......

i finally know what guitar im going to buy myself when i save enough money.......the problem is i have to save about 1500 for it........lolz...........like thats going to happen......anyways........me and chuckie were talking about making a band.....like honestly making a band.......and he also has an idea of how the music is going to sound.........and the sound he talks about isnt too far from the sound i want..........this is going to be cool.........so maybe in about two years we might actually have some music that weve made together

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 01:46:41 GMT

well........i was at the smash tourny on sunday........and wow.....it was too cool
the day started off normal...........except i drank a whole glass of milk........then i didnt have to play anyone hard until around the finals......when i had to play tim....which usually sucks cause i fucking hate jigglys........but anyways.......i ended up winning cause sean lost to tim in the semis.......i own......but im happy now.........the current state champ...yess

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 22:12:44 GMT

work is going to good..........last nite i made like 45 dollars in tips..............and i get to work tonite for about seven hours...........and friday nites are the best............

i keep having these strange dreams............its starting to creep me out.......

for some reason i went to this huge event.........i dont know what it was about or anything..........but i did go..........and on the way out.........someone broke into my car and stole just about everything.......but not the cd player rob gave me..........so i didnt care...........so i was drving away.....and this guy runs the stoplight and hits the back of my car.................and drives off as fast as he could..........so i chase him down the street till he gets out and goes inside a store.........he sees me and turns around like he wants to fight............but instead of fighting him i talk my way out of it..........and he walks away...........but for some reason his license plate was on his bag and thats what i was really trying to look at..........so when he put it down on top of this high shelf.........i tryed to get the number off of it........without him seeing me do it............so theres all these store employees who are going to help me........and this one girl falls off the top.......so i catch her.........but she has the number so everything is cool............but this girl looks strangely familiar........so i keep talking to her about random things................and as we were leaving.......some cops come and tell us we need to get to safety............all these people were running around......it was complete chaos..............one cop told me that someone was going to detonate a bomb.............so me and this girl just start running..........and we keep running for about twenty minutes.........and i start to wonder why nothings happening yet........why the bomb didnt go off.........so we hide in this building...........and right when we look out the window we see this huge mushroom cloud........after about twenty minutes we decide to go outside to see what was happening...........and there was hardly anyone left...........and we just start walking down a street...................then i woke up...........

empyre- the revolution

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 12:25:51 GMT

october is finally here..........for some reason........i like october...........halloween was always a good time........all the candy i could eat..........no worrying about losing weight.............and football was almost over............

weird things have been happening since tony died.............not weird like hes talking to me or i see his ghost.......but weird like...........things are actually different. i started to realize what my actions are leading to. im starting to see the bigger picture........things are really starting to make sense.
in the past ive always had done whatever it took to get something acomplished. if i needed money to buy something for football....i stole.........if i had to get something for class.........i stole..........if i had an oppurtinity to steal money without being caught...........i took it.........and i didnt think twice. ...and somehow......all of this seemed to work. i thought i was too good to get caught...........too smart to for anyone to catch on...........but then i did..........i saw myself for the first time in five years...........and i didnt like what i saw........i realized that my quality of life during those years were very bad..........bad things always happened...........nothing went my way.........i had periods of just bad luck.............and that made me think about what i was doing..............did my bad actions actually make bad things happen to me...........

the lowest point of my life has got to be the day i heard tony died.............that was rock bottom..............i always imagined tony being around forever.........him and rae...............but as i begin to really think about things...................i saw the new begginning...........the way it was suppose to be...........the way im suppose to live my life................

to me life is really simple...........you dont have to be rich........money shouldnt be a problem.............to me......life is simply just being happy...........if you do good things in life.......good things will always happen..........always............

me and rob where always the same....did everything together.........went everywhere together.........to most people we looked like twins....exactly alike..........except for one thing..........he did good things..........he was like the good twin......and i was the evil.....everything bad that we ever did was my doing..........and most of the good things we did was because he said it was the right thing to do.......and when he said that..........i couldnt tell him no.............for some strange reason........rob has been able to show me the light............but i always turned to darkness.......and now i look at everything rob has...........a good job that pays him more then enough money..........an amazing girlfriend.........and the respect of everyone in the community..........to me.........he has it all........cause everyday he wakes up in the morning......and hes happy..............i can only hope...........that this last for him.........for as long as possible.............cause he really deserves it.............

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 00:53:57 GMT

i saw a naked girl at work last nite............she answered her door...........and she was naked.............

pro-tip...........if you want to make the pizza guy happy...........answer the door naked

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 03:19:18 GMT

today was a really good day........things are starting to look up........

i finally got a new job......i start tomorrow..........i will be delivering pizzas for blackjack........which is cool cause this one guy greg works there........and hes the shit at guitar.......if anything ill be able to hang out with him and learn more about guitar...............so now that i dont have to worry about making rent next month i can concentrate on the things that matter...........sucks.............work.......i knew they would make me work tomorrow since i planned something with courtney............but theres always next time...........

ive had so many friends lately.......some that i dont think i can even really call friends...............i dont think anyone will ever add up to the only good friend i have...........which brings me to my next thought.........people think they are single serving friends.......and in a since they are.......cause well.........i dont see them making any effort to be my friend........they just seem to talk to me if im around.........they never make it a point to talk to me.......they never just come over to say whats up..........so fuck them..............i might not be a good person........but im as good as i can be............so what if i dont want to make the effort to gain new friends...........i dont see anyone else making any effort themselves............

rob friday nite......which was really cool.......i havent talked to him in forever...........im really glad to hear hes doing alright.........he got to go to vegas.....lolz......i thought he was going to tell me he married elena when he went to vegas..............but i miss him..........not a day goes by where i dont think of him.............he was my only true brother...........and i really hope ill get to see him again...............

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 04:18:46 GMT

lifes just starting to go more downhill.......it appears my mom and jason are fighting again......and i dont really know if its because of me.......which it probably is........

jason seems to follow a cycle of drinking.......where hes cool......then a total asshole........and he usually fights with me.......but seeing that he cant get a hold of me......he makes things worse for my mom......which is also scary......since she told me that she was going to drive to tucson to stay with me...........but didnt cause she didnt know my address............

i dont really know what to do about all of this......my plan as of now is to work........and try to get a head ........maybe get my hand fixed.................life just still sucks...........

life

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 04:05:35 GMT

i really dont know what to do right now.........im sinking and i cant seem to find the right way up..........

everything was going good until tony died...................

Empyre - End of the Century

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 11:42:21 GMT

well.....i think work is finally done..... no more century....
stealing:

life working at the movies is strange. you have nothing to do, and you get paid very little for what you have to do. when i first got this job i really really really needed money. tony just left and rent was due in a couple of days. luckly chuckie had enough money for us to make it another month. this was good cause now i will have another whole month to make enough to cover rent. my first week was weird. nobody knew me and nobody talked to me. for about a week it was really really lonely there. on the first nite i ever had to work floor......i started talking to this kid named robert. robert only talked to me to brang on how much he stole from the register. now i was really interesting in understanding this method they called 'tips' robert would take change from the customer.....which is really stupid....but strangely it worked. he would show me wads of ones......around maybe 80 dollars a nite. other people also made tips this way......mainly just the idiots who had no common sense at all......AT ALL.......so for the next few weeks i worked on a plan to make my own cut of the money.....i figured that if these guys were still doing there dumb way of stealing then i would make bank........but i needed a fail safe to insure that i would never be caught........so i figured that i would tell robert about a method that would be similar to mine but not exactly......i would leave to much up to chance with him.......and sure enough everyone at work was stealing in a new method......i dont know how this method was looked at by the managers......but what it really was about was misdirection......lead people away from me.....and to someone else.....too bad robert had to take a fall, he wanted to get owned in smash.......

what i taught robert was this:
ring up the sale like normal.....and if.....only if...(i gave him this option cause i knew eventually greed would set in and lead to him getting fired)......you get exact change.......ask them if they want a recipt....if they said no(another chance for poor old robert to get greedy)......then take the money and act like your putting in the register and put it in your pocket once they turn away....then all you have to do is void out the transaction(how he got caught)......and wait for the next customer to walk on up........simple right...

the thing i didnt tell robert was how the computer would keep track of how many items he actually voids out....and how long between the void and the next transaction........it would only be a matter of time before one of the managers would be able to look at all the data and see what was really going on......and since robert couldnt keep his mouth shut......word spread......everyone was doing it......even chris mesa......who asked me exactly how it was done.........the managers would surely see that voids is the way everyone is doing it......

robert eventually got fired and they enforced a new rule.....you have to call a manager or supervisor to get any voids......at all......that should stop the theft right.....lolz.........i wish i could just hear what the managers all talked about durning those little meetings........but without a fall out person....i would have to play good citizen.....levi who obeys all laws......after about a week i would devise a new plan..........i later talked to chris mesa and micheal barry about a new method......and fail proof method........and again i gave them the slip........i told them to leave their registers open and never add the totals in the computers......just memorize them..........and take the money as give the customer their exact change back......after the customers leave......you take your pen and write the number on your hand.......add up the numbers.......take that much out of the drawer.....too good......easy money.......lolz........i still let them think they were doing it the same way as me......but not really......eventually sandie and jarrett would fall prey to this........micheal was too scared to do it.......and well i think chris mesa got caught but had sex with selena to keep his job.

eventually i got set up.........someone told selena that i was really the one behind this whole thing.....and i honestly believe, with all my heart......that she set me up.........what i think happend was this.........selena was put in charge.......and inventory went missing at high rates.......she needed to catch the person who was stealing or possibly lose her job........all she really needed was information on who started the stealing and how it was done. now i only taught two people how to steal.....and i taught them both the cover to keep me from getting caught....now i dont really trust micheal or chris....so i dont really know at this point who screwed me....but i do know it was set up........things added up......the wrong way........my method was never even close to how they claimed to have caught me.......

thats all i really have to say about that subject.....so if you want to know the method i used.....just ask me and ill tell you....lolz....too good if you ask me......

people from work:

there were so many people that ive talked to at work.........

people i liked.....
courtney, kelli, beatrice, ben, ariel,lance, gricel, veronica, aaron, katie, vanessa, chris f., pam, micheal barry, becky, micheal kane, guillerimo, steven edwards, wodecki, jim, richard, amanda, jessica(lazy eye), kezala, deeana, franki

people in the middle.....
curly hair steven, jessica(angry one??), charmetra, terrance, jarrett, jason, tanya, kris, mylo, marcos, bob, marcelia, jeff, mirinda, alex, amber

people i hated......
chris mesa, selena, ruben, vincent, hayden, ryan, paul, black paul, pamela( the old one), phyliss, zack, phillip, racheal

people i was about to kill there.......
fermin

that might be everyone.........maybe ill update it later if i remember anyone else.......

my last words about century:

century is a place where you go when you need to take a step back in life and get away from all the everyday bullshit in life. this job wasnt really about the work...this job was about the people, the movies, all the bulk candy you could eat, all the hot mexican chicks, marijuana, air conditioning, popcorn, hot dogs, super nachos, poppers, warmers, the emptiness of being in cart, kicking shit under the seats, rubber band fights, drama, posters, the compactor, unsaleables, jalapenos. relish, straws, ice, lids, pretzel bites, burning popcorn, sprite, butter, fat ladys, old people, courtesy cups, and religion......

fuck you century......may you die a horrible death..........

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 05:15:12 GMT

today was sort of a wasted day.....i did nothing....

i was suposse to go meet tina at the union.....still wants to talk about getting back together.....but i didnt show up.....lolz.......and now shes all mad at me.......wtf.............i just didnt want to go.....why cant she understand that......maybe tomorrow......she wont be such a bitch.........

other then that......its been nothing but guitar...weed........and cereal........man do i love frosted flakes.........

smash

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 08:22:18 GMT

as soon as tony walks thru the door......smash begun........its been smash all day and all nite.......

smash isnt something i really want in my life right now......but its like meth......do it once.....and your hooked.......so i try to walk by the living room and just get water.......nope about and hour of matches.........try to read my book in my room......down for another hour of matches..........playing guitar.........with breaks every 30 mins to play smash..........

i cant put it down........it takes me over.......takes me back to the times of the dungeon..........i was so lost back then.......my heart was constantly full of hate.............and it was put there by playing smash.

i think ive always been competitive.............always trying to be better then everyone else at everything........and it all started with fighting..........jason" CAN YOU KICK ALL THEIR ASSES"............'i dont know'..........."WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW"................everything goes black .....and my jaw hurt for weeks..............i was never the killer jason wanted.....i didnt have the balls to fight everyone at school.......i just wanted to be alone.......but that was never possible........the only possible thing to do was act the part of the killer........act like im the best........and maybe i can eat dinner in peace............good thing jason never left the house he would know that i didnt do half the things ive told him...........

life was good when football came around...........if i played football i couldnt do gangster things like jason wanted me to......i could actually play nintendo without fear........if i was good.........being good was the most important thing to jason. He made me practice all the fucking time......no time for anything......always doing push-ups.....up downs.......running around the block.........every fucking nite i had to run around the block 20 times before i could go to bed........no matter what........and he would stand out side and make sure i wasnt running thru the alley..........oh yeah.......and if i didnt make the block in less then two minutes i had to run an extra one.........

after dropping a pass in the endzone on my first game.......jason started a new thing to train me............he would throw the football at me the hardest he could............and if i didnt catch it.......he got to throw it right at my face..........and i couldnt block it..........i would get to around 20-25 before dropped one.................at least he let me take off my glasses..........

at least i could be a jock and not worry about jason.....he didnt mind that i played once i got good......in high school he stopped coming to the games and just listend to them on the radio........the more he heard my name...........the better i slept that nite.........life was again good.......nothing to fear...........he stopped making me do his extra training..........

my senior year of high school was probably the worst year of my life..............football was back.......and winning state was important this year......for my own safety.........but jason just didnt understand that our team really wasnt that good.......cause to him........i was on the team and i was the only thing they needed to win.........the beatings started when i didnt make first string.........jason couldnt believe that maybe i wasnt any good at football so he blamed this on one of the coaches.......but to tell you the truth.......i didnt try.......at all.......i didnt even want to play..........i told the coach before the year even started that i didnt want to play......."ill practice hard everyday.....ill play my hardest during every scout team scrimmage.......i just dont want to play in any of the games........" he really didnt know what to say to that.......so he tried putting me on first string........and i just stood there.........didnt move at all............he got the clue about a week after we got our pads.......
if i only knew what i know now.......i would have just played.............

smash is sort of like football to me.......im alright at it.....but im not really that good......maybe i can be good......if i ever tried............and in a way......smash was my football for a while..........our smash crew is just like any other team out there........we all hang out together........we all practice together...........we live most of out lives together........all for that one moment in time when we can prove we are better then any other team out there...............and the dream dies here.......for i have no real desire to play either anymore.........im starting to understand that i dont need to have competetion in my life...........all i really need............is peace to live my life in........